Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
