I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
