under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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