The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
