Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
My day in three words: secret purse cake
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
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