I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
