Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
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the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
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Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
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