I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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