Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
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oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
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A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.