My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
