you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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