I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
