remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!