Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
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