god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
