she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Randomize
