I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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