it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
