If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
