Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
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