I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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