My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Verdict: uncircumcised.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
