Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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