Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
