living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
We are all done wearing pants today
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
