and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
