I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
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