Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
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