Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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