I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
