i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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