standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
