how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
