she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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