Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
