she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Randomize
