I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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