my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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