I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying