there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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