Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Randomize
