She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
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