sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Randomize
