I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
