K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
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I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
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You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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