Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
