well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
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