The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
