Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Randomize
