How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
