Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
