i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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