i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
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