my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
