how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
you inspire me to be a worse person
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
