ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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